Just Some of My Honest Feelings…
Recently, I had a wonderful meeting with someone who is incredibly kind to me. We spoke about my research and they even help me create a plan for getting a job. Despite the “good vibes” of the meeting, after we hung up I felt like crap! And after a little reflection, I realize why.
Here’s the thing, I completely trust this person! They are literally trying to help me achieve as much academic success as I can. But they are NOT the first person I trusted. In fact, I have trusted many people in academia before just to realize later that they were people who did not have my best interest at heart.
What I was experiencing was a “vulnerability hangover!” I have had that same conversation with many other academics that at first built me up, to later tear me down. And I feel anxious to be honest about my goals or desires because of this.
It bothers me that after 5 years of academic training and education, I have made it to the other side less confident and secure in my research than I ever have been. But I am not writing this because I want to scare you all, and I definitely do not want you to feel bad for me! (Cuz I will figure this out!)
I am writing this to reassure you, these feelings are avoidable. BUT! You have to know what to look for to do so!
So here are a few things I wish I would have done to avoid this new sense of self doubt!
Do not be honest about your insecurities or fears early on.
Getting to know you is an honor. Getting to be a part of your success journey is a privilege.
For this reason, even if someone is nice to you at first you should spend ample time talking to them, their mentees, and colleagues to really understand how they view mentorship and relationships more generally.
So take time getting to know people BEFORE you open up. This way if someone is ill-intentioned you can be slightly more protected and less vulnerable. (I know this sucks… but it would have helped me.)
Have different mentors for different goals
It is easy to be vulnerable to manipulation or hazing if you depend on one person for everything!
I do think having at least one mentor you can trust fully is fine! But, I wish I would have tried to develop more professional mentorships that could have helped me with technical skills like writing, conferences, and jobs.
Instead I trusted one person essentially for all of those things. And when that person didn’t want to be my mentor anymore, I was lost and felt so abandoned! By having multiple people you can gain more diverse perspectives while also protecting yourself!
Recognize and Avoid Toxic Traits!
There are actually a lot of toxic traits when it comes to looking for mentors and faculty advisors! Sometimes we convince ourselves that it is okay to ignore the red flags because we really NEED their mentorship or it CAN’T be that bad.
But it can and I am living proof of it! At the end of the day, toxic mentorship will do more harm than good! So please don’t put yourself through something that can have a lasting impact!
Now if you aren’t sure which traits are toxic and which traits are good or important to avoid, please what this YouTube video! I go into depth on what to look for and why!
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